I’m So Sorry: When Do Sex Addicts Really Mean It?
Celebrity sex addicts – from high profile politicians to iconic sports stars – whose secret behavior is suddenly exposed are always quick to apologize.
We see them on television, often with their spouse beside them, saying how sorry they are and apologizing to their fans, constituents, partners and the world at large for betraying their trust and violating their own values. But can they really be sorry right away?
One’s first and maybe cynical impression is that they are not so much sorry about what they did as they are sorry that their life has been turned upside down. And indeed, in sex addiction treatment, it is not unusual for the addict to initially experience a flood of emotion and remorse just from realizing the full meaning and enormous impact of their behavior. A colleague of mine refers to this outpouring as “narcissistic tears.” They have come face to face with their own human flaw.
Sex Addiction Treatment Stresses Remorse
This kind of confrontation can be important in helping to shake loose the addict’s narcissistic false sense of self.-Linda Hatch
The accepted protocols for treating sex addiction as well as the 12-step programs stress the need for the addict to come out of the self-centered universe of addiction and begin to see the damage done to others as well as to him/herself. It is understood that although the initial crisis period results in a flood of shame, the shift to genuine “victim empathy” requires years of work.
As a trainee I observed my supervisor interviewing a new sex addiction client. The client pleaded, “But I’m really a good man.” I was surprised when my supervisor responded, “No you’re not.” This kind of confrontation can be important in helping to shake loose the addict’s narcissistic false sense of self.
What is involved in real remorse?
In some instances we can be truly sorry right away. If a bus lurches and you step on someone’s foot you immediately say: “I’m sorry”. And in this instance you really are sorry, because you had no ability to control your hurtful behavior. You have immediate empathy and concern for the person, even if they are inwardly – or outwardly – cursing you for being such a clod.
The betrayal of other people (and oneself) that accompanies the ongoing sexual acting out of an addict is a different kind of hurt. Losing your balance on a moving bus and stepping on someone’s foot has, as least for most people, no particular connection with their sense of who they are. It is an involuntary act that says nothing about us, hence it is easy to accept that we have (accidentally) hurt someone.
But if you as an addict have been habitually finding selfish ways to secretly meet your own needs at the expense of other people, then “I’m sorry I hurt you” doesn’t seem to cut it.
There cannot be an instantaneous transformation. Every bit of fear, conflict, low self-worth, and lack of integrity is still there.-Linda Hatch
In the immediate aftermath of the disclosure of a sex addict’s secret life it is clear to everyone, except maybe the addict, that he or she is still the same person. There cannot be an instantaneous transformation. Every bit of fear, conflict, low self-worth, and lack of integrity is still there.
Real remorse and victim empathy can only happen when the addict has done enough self-exploration and acquired enough self-awareness to function in an entirely different way.
There are four major requirements for true change of this kind:
- A shift from impression management to honesty and transparency
- A shift from a habit of avoiding, controlling and placating others to a genuine ability to express feelings, needs and vulnerabilities
- A shift from grandiosity and self-centeredness to an ability to really listen to another and to be comfortable being influenced by a partner
- A shift from a compartmentalized life to an ability to share all the parts of oneself with another person
In other words, the addict becomes integrated, stronger, more centered and more available to bond. For those who know the person well, these changes are often very obvious. We feel the addict to be more sincere, more serious and more grounded. And perhaps the most obvious way that this newfound integrity is expressed is in the addict’s commitment to recovery for its own sake. The addict is no longer going to meetings and therapy to please someone else or burnish his/her image. Recovery will have become unmistakably important in and of itself.
Implications for Partners of Sex Addicts
The initial feelings accompanying disclosure may be an important motivator in getting the addict to commit to his/her own recovery going forward, including the wish to make it right with the partner.
But although the addict feels some immediate relief in knowing that he has come clean and that help is on the way, the partner who chooses to stick around will often have a much harder time recovering. A large part of the reason is that the process of bringing about deeper inner change seems glacially slow.
The literature on sex addicts and partners reports that on average it takes a year to begin to rebuild trust. I believe this is because the addict needs to “behave” for long enough to establish credibility, and because the addict must walk the walk of making amends. It is also because the partner can tell whether and to what extent basic inner changes are taking place. And in the long run this is essential to the credibility of the addict’s expressions of empathy and remorse.
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